Well, the honest truth is Dr. Oz and my husband seem to be in agreement that I’m not having enough sex.  My husband and I have been married for five years and have three children (one from a previous relationship).  Our lives are busy with work, kids, running errands, home chores, and being involved with the kids’ activities and schools.  By the time bed time comes around, all I want to do is sleep.  So, on average we are having sex about once a month.  Which is fine, for me…not so much for the husband!

After listening to my husband whine, grovel, and bitch, I know that I need to put more effort into our sex life.  It’s not as if I don’t enjoy the sex; I absolutely love it.  However, I do have my hang-ups.  First and foremost, I am a victim of sexual assault and I tend to displace my feelings of abuse onto my marriage.  I resent that my husband gets excited just by looking at me and seems to always want to jump my bones.  When we were dating, I was a sex fiend because I felt like that was the only way to lure and secure his love.  Once we were married though, having sex and being that wild girl in bed felt dirty.  I love to have sex, but I still feel guilty and embarrassed that I enjoy something that once caused me so much pain.  Logically, I know that my assault is not the same as what I share with my husband in our marriage bed, but getting rid of those feelings is difficult.

Secondly, I have mega body issues.  I am currently a size 12/14 and, believe it or not, this is small for me.  I have been up to a size 26 and over the past four years, I’ve lost and maintained a weight loss of about 80 pounds.  While I am fairly comfortable with my body when I’m clothed, being naked is not my favorite thing!  I see lumps, rolls, stretch marks, and the effects of giving birth to three children and having lost all that weight.  What I see in the mirror simply isn’t sexy.  So I don’t understand what it is that my husband sees when he looks at me.  To see the desire in his face confuses…no baffles me.  Little things like seeing me get dressed in the morning or coming into the bathroom while I put lotion on my legs drive him over the edge.  Meanwhile, I’m thinking about not looking like a sausage in my work clothes or how my thighs are too jiggly.  So that’s one more thing to resolve.

Basically, I want to establish a sense of liberation by doing this.  I want to be able to have great sex and not feel guilty about it, and I want to be able to embrace my body and just feel sexy.  I’m not doing this because Dr. Oz says it will make look younger or live longer, and I’m not even doing this because my husband keeps asking for it.  I’m doing this for myself and to give back a sense of ownership to the little girl who got used and was told she was too fat to be good for anything else.

Yeah okay, so why blog about it?  Because I’m a slacker and I need deadlines and a push to be able to accomplish anything.  If things were left completely up to me, I’d die never having another session of mind-blowing sex.  I really am the type of person that gets stuck in a rut, so I feel like I need a goal and a manual.  Julie Powell had Julia Child; I’m going to need my own guide, so what better sex bible is there than the Kama Sutra?!

My goals are as follows:

  1. Have sex at least once a week, and aim for twice a week.
  2. To enjoy sex without guilt.
  3. To try as much of the Kama Sutra as possible.
  4. To feel sexy and love it.

I realize that goals #2 and #4 will be challenging and may require some therapy and/or Prozac and that goal #3 is dependent upon my flexibility…but no one said this was going to be easy!  And yes, for some of you once a week may seem like sexual deprivation, but I’m working on it people!

So here we go…

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: